The Abduction
A Koboldland-story with the Wizard by Simon Heese

Once upon a time, somewhere on a hill in koboldland stood a high, colourful tower. It belonged to a wizard. You may think that it must be quite lonely, in a tower on a hill all by yourself. But the wizard was not alone at all, as his home was stuffed with living items. For mere convenience he had, as all wizards do, imbued almost everything in his tower with magic. For instance, his bed was enchanted so it would make itself in the morning, his shoelaces tied themselves when you asked them to, and his dishes, of course, washed up on their own. He also had an enchanted broom. It was a regular stick with some bristles, yet by the power of magic, he could stand upright like a human and sweep the floor all by himself. Unfortunately, the broom had also figured out how to turn on the TV and ever since, he preferred to hang out with the couch, watching one series after another.

When the wizard returned home at night, he'd often find the broom glued to the tube, having neglected any cleaning. Of course, the wizard would scold him: “Oh, come on, Broom! You haven't done a thing again! Turn that box off. Now!” The broom would then beg, “Aw, please, let us finish just this one episode.” To which the wizard, being a nice chap, most of the time would concede: “Fine, but only this episode, and afterwards, you will be cleaning the kitchen, understand me?”

The broom would also do the shopping for the wizard, often accompanied by his friend, the toothbrush, who helped carry items. Obviously, she could only handle a small bag due to her size. The toothbrush enjoyed shopping, especially after it had rained, because she loved to jump into puddles, making a lovely splash. On those days the wizard always had to chide: “Look at you, you're all muddy again! How am I supposed to brush my teeth with you now?”

One day, the doorbell of the tower rang: Ding Dong Di Dang — it was the witch. With a wry grin, she offered a basked: “Hi, I baked a carrot cake and thought I'd bring you some.”

"Is it poisoned?" asked the broom. "Nah, not really, aside from some sugar," replied the witch. "Then count me out," declared the toothbrush, her bristles standing upright in protest. Toothbrushes have a strict code of honor: they don't eat anything with sugar, because it's bad for your teeth. "Could I have the toothbrush's share?" asked a deep, muffled voice. It was the dust bin. "I never get any cake. Everyone else always gets to it before me." The broom realized that this was true and indeed a bit unfair, "Alright, you can have a small piece," he granted.

They all enjoyed the witch's cake and found it quite delicious. A few cheese crumbs that had fallen on the floor were quickly claimed by a mouse. "Hey, wait a minute! Cheese crumbs? It was supposed to be a carrot cake!" exclaimed a purple cat from the corner, tears welling up.^[1]

"No, no," the broom chimed in quickly, "it was a carrot cheesecake. Carrot cake at the bottom and a layer of cheesecake on top. The witch sure knows how to bake."

Everyone was so engrossed in the cake discussion that no one noticed the strange green light shining through the open window. It was only when the broom began to float unnaturally and was pulled towards the window that they noticed something was wrong. "Heeelp!" cried the broom, "What's happening to me?!?" "Oh no!" exclaimed the toothbrush, "I think the broom is being abducted by aliens!"

And indeed, above the wizard's tower, a flying saucer hovered, using its abduction beam to collect the broom. It pulled him through a hatch into the spaceship, and whooeeooee, it flew away.

"He was really abducted! Quick, we must tell the wizard!" exclaimed the toothbrush somewhat hysterically. She rushed to the phone, which was, of course, enchanted as well. "Haven't you heard? Call the wizard immediately!" "I already did," replied the telephone, "he's on his way."

And indeed, it took only a few minutes before the wizard arrived. Fortunately, he hadn't been at the very top of the tower, as they had only stairs and no elevator. The toothbrush and the telephone explained to him what had happened. “This is not good at all,” the wizard muttered, stroking his beard. He went up to his study and took his book Everything a Wizard Needs to Know off the shelf. “Let's see... acrobatics, adolescence, alchemy... ah there, Aliens — it says here: Aliens are beings from other planets who like to fly around in saucers and abduct people, preferably cows. Well then, I suppose I'll go after those chaps.”

The wizard transformed into a hawk, ready to take off, but the window in his study was closed. The window had a child lock (actually a book lock, because some books used to climb out the window), so he couldn't open it as a hawk. "Bugger me!" croaked the wizard and transformed back into himself. He opened the window, transformed into a hawk once more, and flew off.

Hawks are fast fliers. Flying saucers, however, are faster. The wizard soon realized this as the saucer flew further and further away. So, the wizard transformed himself into a rocket. Rockets are super fast. He whizzed past the flying saucer. "Okay, rocket is too fast," thought the wizard, "what shall I do?" Then it came to him: the book mentioned that aliens prefer to abduct cows. Brilliant!

The wizard landed on a green meadow and transformed himself into a cow. The trick worked like a charm, for it took only a moment before the wizard noticed a green light lifting him upwards. “Hehehe, it's working!” he chuckled.

He was pulled into the saucer, and once inside, the door on the floor closed. The alien was beside himself with joy: "Yummy, yummy, tummy, we caught a proper cow for dinner!"

"Not so fast!" yelled the wizard and transformed back into himself.

"Eh? What's this?" screamed the alien, "you're no cow!" He grabbed his Zap-Gun and fired a shrink ray at the wizard. The wizard became very small. "Hahaha, that's what you get!" laughed the alien. He had no clue that the wizard was a sorcerer. Kaboosh, the wizard magicked himself back to size. "Oi, why are you big again?!?" the alien cried out and fired another ray: Zap!

Kaboosh, kaboosh, by casting the spell twice the wizard became even larger than normal.

Zap, the alien shrinked him once more. The wizard grew wary of this charade and transformed into a treeman. He flicked the alien with his thick branch finger, sending him flying in a high arc through the spaceship.

The alien cursed terribly in his alien language and fired again at the wizard. Zap! This time, the wizard tried to dodge, but treemen are terribly slow. The wizard was hit and turned into a tiny treeman.

Sometimes, when ancient strength fails you, the last resort is to use raw flower-power, and that’s what the wizard did: he first shapeshifted back into his human form, then returned to his normal size and within a blink of an eye he transmutated the Zap-Gun into a daisy.

"Zap!" the alien shouted, but of course, nothing happened. "Hey, what have you done to my gun?!?" he yelled. The wizard was growing tired of this nonsense. In short order, he shrunk the alien and tucked him into a cookie jar. Problem solved.

After the alien had been taken care of, there was just one more thing to worry about. “Broom? Are you here?” called the wizard. “Yes, here in the cupboard. Please let me out.” came the answer from one of the metal lockers in the wall. "Ah, Broom, how glad I am to have you back!" the wizard exclaimed joyfully after he found the right door. He released his tenant who was very relieved to see his disheveled master. “I heard you fighting. Was it bad?” enquired the broom with a concerned face. “Ah, we just had a little argument, nothing unusual” the wizard replied, "all we have to do now is to land this thing.”

“Do you know how to do that?" wondered the Broom, aloud. "Nope," said the wizard, "and I've left my book Everything a Wizard Needs to Know at home."

"Well," said the Broom, "why don’t you use the same enchantment on the saucer that you used on me? This way, you can simply tell it what to do." "Splendid idea," concurred the wizard. He cast the spell on the saucer, which, due to its advanced technical nature, was much easier than with a broom or dust bin. It was probably at the verge of becoming self-conscious all along. Uncertain where to talk to, as they were technically inside its belly, the wizard leaned forward in order to speak to the flying saucer in general: "Hello, could you please get down and let us out?"

"Sure, gladly," replied the saucer and landed on a nearby meadow next to a cow, who looked at the vessel without a hint of concern.^[2]

“Phew, that worked out pretty well, didn’t it?” the wizard sighed with relief. Quickly, they stepped out of the vessel, which kindly smiled at them. "By the way, would you like to stay here?" the wizard asked the flying saucer, "or rather fly back home?"

"I actually find it quite nice here," it admitted, "I'd like to stay."

"Okay, but you can't go around like that. We don’t want to risk another UFO craze and let people mess with my crop circles," the wizard advised. After a short discussion they agreed that he could turn the flying saucer into a flowerpot, which he did. He placed the daisy, which had been the Zap-Gun, into the pot, grabbed the cookie jar, and went home with the broom.

Back at the wizard's tower, they placed the flowerpot on the shelf by the window, and next to it, they put the cookie jar containing the shrunk alien. "We mustn't forget to feed him," said the Broom with concern. "We won't," the wizard reassured him, "and if he behaves, we'll let him out soon."

"Can we watch some telly now?" asked the Broom and gave the wizard a hopeful look. "Fine by me, but only one episode," replied his master.